NIZHALINAI NIJAMUM

This song is one of the most touching song dedicated to the strongest person on earth, MOTHER. I would say that among all the other songs (yes, I’ve a list of songs related and dedicated to mother in my playlist), this will be the one very close to my heart. Every lines from this song resides deeply within my heart and to be honest, when I first came across this song a few months ago, I cried. I cried my heart out hardly that night. Perhaps it’s because of I listened to it at the right time of these very phase of my life.

The name of this movie is Ram. I only knew the other song titled Aarariraro but never came across this particular song. I haven’t watch this movie yet but those songs are truly touching.

And I realised that all I need during my hard times was my Amma right beside me. It doesn’t mean that I ignored or avoided her all this while. NO AND NEVER. And neither my Appa. It was just that I needed her the most these days.

You must be heard that a girl will be always closer to her father more than her mother right. But in my life, it will be my Amma. I seek her for all my good and bad times. Sometimes I don’t story to her everything, but I simply seek her. Just to be with her. To be with her presence. Eventhough I don’t say out much to her whenever I have problems, I feel that when I looked at her or when I spend some time with her, I feel calm and I feel strong just with her vibes.

And that is why I need her the most these days.

One day I just wanna be like her.

One of the lines which goes,

Oththa sontham neeyirundhal pothum amma,
Moththa boomi enakkae thaan sontham amma.

Which means,

All I need is just one relationship, that is with you,
This whole world is mine!

Yes maa, this whole world will be mine in the presence of yours.

I’ve made mistakes. I’ve reacted the way I shouldn’t towards the closest ones.

But, she somehow taught me with different situations. It’s all what I’ve learnt indirectly from both my parents which will be a lifelong lessons for me. And I’m grateful for that.

Again,
There’s these lyrics of this song which goes

Thisai ellaam enakku irulaagi kidaikku,
Enggaiyo payanam thodaruthammaa?

Ennoda manasum pazhuthaaki poochu,
Sari seiya vazhiyum theriyala ammaa!

Suriyan odanjja pagal illa ammaa,
Aagayam marainjja agilamae summaa

Enna chuththi ennanamo nadakkuthe ammaa,
Kandatha ellaam kanavaagi poyidumaa?

Which means,

All the directions seem dark,
Where is my journey going on now?

My heart has broken into pieces,
I don’t know how to mend it!

If the sun breaks down, there’s no day,
If the skies disappear, the whole universe is a fallacy.

There are unexplainable things happening around me,
Will everything that was, go away as a dream, Amma?

I literally wanted to ask the same questions which have been in the lyrics to my Amma.
Because I felt it that way. I was exactly in the midst of confusion, pain and struggles both in and out of my own and of my family.

I’m still learning to handle things in life in the best way.
I listened to this song almost everyday till date and sometimes I kept on playing it continuously when anything hits me hard.

But at that moment, I wasn’t sure whether this song is trying to heal my heart or I need those lyrics to be heard?!

Every verse of this song ends up with questions. Perhaps life is a question right? Throughout this journey of life, we have a lot of questions which are yet to answer.

But life has taught us to keep going on its flow with faith, hope and believe. God knows what’s best for us. We do our part with the best we can while God will take care the rest.

The Peacock Poem

Dear precious creation of God,

Everyone admires your beauty,
Yet only you knows how will be the aches beyond your beauty.

Everyone loves your talent,
Yet only you knows about the uncomfortable moments you’ve gone through when you spread out your feathers just so perfectly and beautifully.

I don’t remember when the first time I saw you,
Yet I do remember what you made me feel.

When a huge crowd gathered to watch you, I noticed your fear at the beginning,
Yet you made a way for your fears to be your strength and never fail to give a spectacular performance.

When the crowd are watching and admiring each graceful steps of yours,
And I’m here at the back of the crowd far away from you, trying to come closer but can’t,
Yet truly proud for what you’ve gone through all this while and I’m here with great respect of who you are from the day I’ve been introduced to you.

You and me are different,
Yet I’m clueless on why my perception on you are way too far and too deep from the perception of other’s on you.

You and me are different,
Yet you’re always a precious creation of God and I’m always blessed to have witness you in this journey called life.

நீ என் உயிர் ஆதாரமே ❤

Poem by,
Yours truly,
Admirer by heart ❤

Be a good listener

When someone is voicing out their problems or their feelings about something to you, listen to them carefully. They need a listener. A good listener. All you have to do is to listen to them without questioning anything to them at first.
Then, give your appropriate response once they let out everything which they feel to share with you. Let them know your opinion or give them a suggestion of solution to solve their problem if only they needed.

And the other important thing is, your mind and heart should be CALM. No matter what you are feeling during that time, it can be negative or positive feelings, you just don’t let your current emotions to be involved or to be seen when someone is voicing out something to you.

I can prove this with examples.

Let’s say you are having a great feeling and literally a good day. You met a friend coincidentally and you noticed that they are sad and depressed over something. They came to you and they tried to open up their problems to you. During that time, it’s not right for you to show your current feelings to them.
I know you are happy but you can’t listen to their story with a giggling heart. And in other way, it doesn’t mean that you have to cry along with them or show your heartfelt sympathy to them during that time.
All you need to do is, be calm and detach yourself from your own feelings and at the same time pay attention to them. Focus on what they’re sharing to you. Feed them those encouragement if they needed.

Remember, when someone is sad, showing sympathy and giving encouragement are two different things. Don’t add up their sorrows with your sympathy. Instead be a good supporter with your encouraging words.

And the other example is let’s say you are angry, depressed or sad over something and you got a phone call from someone. You attend the call and they share some great news to you. I know that you can’t be truly happy for them at that moment because of your current situation.

But you can choose the way to react. And again it all starts from you being calm and detach yourself from your own emotions.
Just because you are going through some hard times, you can’t be showing or sharing it to them at the moment. You can’t be spoiling their day too.

If your current emotions are uncontrollable, then all you have to do is let them know that you are having some rough times at that moment and promise to call them or to listen to them later. And now it’s their turn to understand your feelings.

How you wanna calm the person whom came to you when you can’t calm and settle down with your own current emotions?

That’s it. It all lies in the way we handle those situations.

These are just simple examples but life are preparing us to face all sorts of challenges each day. And those challenges might be between you and the people around you. At the end of the day, it’s all about you putting yourself in other’s shoe before judging, assuming and responding to them.

They share everything to you it means they TRUST YOU. You might be someone close to them or you’ve earned a very special place in their heart. They believed that you have certain purpose in their life and it can only be done by you.

Remember, you listen to understand and not to reply at the first place.

That’s your role when they share something to you.
This message got right deep down my heart and since then I’m trying my best to be a good listener. I’ve done it the other way too and I’m sorry for hurting any of you.
Maturity and experience somehow taught me this. And sometimes I’m relearning some things which once gave me lessons.

A LETTER TO THE HEAVEN

To Patti and Tata.. I love you

I lost a very important person in my life. Someone from the little circle of mine.
Patti, I lost you at the age of 21. The age when I’m getting to know what is life all about, the maturity phase, the good and bad more detaily and many more other things.

You know something Patti, to be honest, I feel happy and proud that I’d take a good care of you whenever you were with me. There was a time in my younger days when I loved you more than I love amma. There was a time you were everything to me. I don’t know why but you were there for me. There was a time I make tantrum and fight with everyone at home so that I can stay at your house and to be with you.

Time goes by, we all grew older. Tata left us. You got extremely broken. You couldn’t move on from the demise and I saw you suffering without him by your side. Just after a year passed, attai left us. You couldn’t move on from the aches, heartbreak, burden and loneliness. And you’re getting sick day by day. You’re forgetting many things day by day. You’re getting more emotional for each and everything.

I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything to change it. Sometimes I think back those good memories I had with you when I was young. I even think to bring that healthy and strong patti back because you was much more happier that time. Whenever you were with me, I remember that I’ll lie on your lap and always talk to you. I’ll always ask you to be happy because Tata surely wanna see you happy from up there. You’ll only nod your head and end up being emotional after thinking so much. And you made me cry during that time. All I did was to have you in my prayers each day. I prayed that you have to be strong and have a good health to go through all this. And we are all with you. I am with you. You don’t have to worry anything.

But now, you’re happy right up there. You’re with tata now as you wished. You actually don’t have to worry about anything now. You don’t need to do any household chores. Remember you always used to tell us that being born as a girl you can never escape from doing all this work. But now you escaped. Haha.
You don’t have to eat that countless tablets which you forced yourself to eat three times a day. You dont have to worry about house safety. You don’t have to look around for the room and cupboard keys everywhere when you misplaced it somewhere. Okay?

But,

Dear patti,

There’s other things also you have to know.
Your garden is going to miss you.(okay let me list down so that I won’t forget) Those colorful flowers, sugarcane, papaya, mango, avaraka, eggplant, chilli, nellika and especially betel leaf. They all going to miss you. There is no better person to take care of them other than you.
That house will never be the same without both of you. Each and every corner of the house has got the touch from both of you. Now, there’s only memories occupied in the entire house.

And,

I AM GOING TO MISS YOU.
I’ll miss you whenever I’m stress and feel like talking to you through phone.
I’ll miss you if I go to behind temple thiruvilla especially when pouring milk in the theekulli. Because you were by my side all the time. You prayed to pour milk every year in the theekulli right after my birth for some health reason. (Yes patti, Amma told me the story) I was blessed to have a Patti like you.
I missed that smile of mine when I was busy seeing customer at shop and then suddenly you and tata came in to shop with bags early in the morning and tell me that both of you are going to stay here for couple days.
I’ll miss massaging your painful leg.
I’ll miss to hear your voice on my birthday.
I’ll miss you both during Deepavali as I grew up celebrating with both of you on the eve and on first day.
I know it will be hard for me but I have to go through this right, Patti and Tatta.

But honestly, we are proud and blessed to have arranged a meaningful family gathering back in 2014 and that’s the best thing we did for both of you. No one could describe the satisfaction and blessings we’ve got on that day.

Dear Patti and Tata, we will always remember those advises given to us. Don’t worry anything about us. We will go through all this. And everything will be okay soon. I’ll be a good girl and will make both of you proud one day. Keep on watching from up there and bless us. Rest in peace patti and tata.

Love,
Your favourite grandchild.
24 Apr 2018

I wrote this on 24 April 2018, 3 days after you left me. A very close friend of mine consoled me during those days and I remember I told him that I’ll miss you the most on somedays and today is one of that someday.

I decided to publish this writing which has been saved in my note pad as I missed you today a little more than everyday especially during this festive season.

The Growth Series

Un manadhil un suthandhiram undu
Neeyae unarndhu kandupudi

Be satisfied with your part and do not bemoan your fate. In this life, everyone have troubles which we think nobody else has. Never wish to be in the shoes of someone else who you think is better than you are.

It is the best to wish for nothing, but to ask the God to give you what is best for your highest good. You are a part of the God’s creation. He needs everybody to carry on this drama. Never compare yourself with anybody else. You are what you are and no one is like you. No one can act your part as you can. Similarly, you should not try to play somebody else’s part.

While you do your part, always carry on the thoughts that He is working through you and for you.

Responsibility

It’s a lifetime process to realise, understand and take up the responsibilities and commitment meant for you only. The older you become, the more responsibilities you have to face. And with that, you have no other choice than not giving up with your responsibilities especially when you are going through some hard time. .

When you accept and put the effort to carry out your responsibilities, you will be gifted with a very valuable LIFE LESSON. Yes, and those life lesson differs from each one of us as based on the circumstances we’re exposed to in our growth process.
Responsibility gives you the WILLPOWER to change something in your life. And when there are changes, have the courage to face it. You might not understand the purpose of changes now but it will definitely make sense to you one day.

Provide your best without a single complain and hesitation to do something good for you, or atleast for your loved ones. Be matured enough not to blame your mood swings when it comes to responsibility. Ignoring your responsibility just because of your current mood will never get you any better. You can’t be doing great only for certain responsibilities and let go the other responsibilities. Learn to be BALANCE in all way. .

To those whom are reading this, each one of us have our own responsibilities to be carried out all at once. For example, you could be a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a granddaughter, a friend, a student, and you might be in a good profession too. It could be MULTITASKING and I understand well what it means to handle situations like this. Be strong!

There must be atleast one person in your life, whose shoulders are lifting a huge weight of responsibilities and still manage to keep a smile on their face. If you knew someone like them, keep them right beside you, seek them, listen to them because they are the living inspiration in your life. And in my life, my parents will be the first inspiration for me. My age and experience might be too little to write up about responsibility but this is what I’ve learnt all this while.

It’s all about the mindset right?

THOUGHTS could be a very challenging matter in one’s life. And I’ve realised that a simple thought and the action one’s took from the thought itself could be a turning point in someone’s life.

Sometimes the best you can do is to remain silent because no words can explain the battle which is going on in your heart and your mind. It’s hard to figure out what you really need during that time. You might end up getting disappointed and make yourself more complicated and miserable. The thoughts in your mind and the feelings in your heart is not balance. Sometimes it didn’t coincide. And there the conflict rise because your mind says one thing, your heart believes in another thing and there YOU stand in the midst of both of that making you to wonder deeply about each and everything you are going through in life. You started questioning many unanswerable questions which is about you to yourself. .

Those thoughts will make you to overthink about life. You will realise and learn many valuable lesson through your life experience, through the confusion you are going through, and through the point of life where you got stuck, you will learn about the hardship of life from other people.
And there you will also learn more about yourself, you learn more about your capability and incapability. .

You will learn about PEOPLE. They could be strangers, friends and family. You learn about those people whom are with you and whom says that they will be with you. You will learn about the people whom wish to be by your side no matter what happens and be there for you whenever you need them.
If you starts thinking about those people, you starts to value them for their doings and beings towards you because they had realised something beautiful in you. They will always show and do the best for you to bring both your happiness and sorrows to a meaningful and worthful moments in your life. They believe that giving up on you is not an option for them and that’s the best thing they could do to fulfill their self satisfaction and inner peace. .

Be grateful and appreciate each moment in life because that’s the best thing you could do for yourself.

Thoughts and Realization of my Teaching Journey

Teaching, nurturing and guiding the little champs will be always a journey of a colorful ride.

A peaceful mind with the quality of patience, gentle, strong, soft and strict at the same time.

A realization of not only being a teacher for them, but also playing a role as a mother during the 8 hours of their daily life.
I’m lucky to have experience of taking over my mother’s role to take care of my lil brother, and during that time I already feel the huge responsibility of a MOTHER.
But when it comes to my working life it’s abit different because I have to be more careful and aware of each child in the kindergarten.

A realization that the most important and powerful thing of a teacher will be their VOICE.
It’s very difficult for me to lose my voice and avoid the children when I have to speak to them during that particular time.
Same goes when I was carrying out my tuition lesson. I was supposed to go on with new chapters and try to finish up the syllabus as fast as I can for the Year 6. But I have no choice other that skipping it.

A realization that a teacher should be able to stand, walk around and keep an eye on everyone all the time in the classroom.
I learned this from the first day itself.
A teacher should be multitasking and be ready for anything.

MULTITASKING, it’s not a choice to choose because that’s the ONLY CHOICE a teacher have.
I have an autistic child in my class and so all the teachers work doubled only for that child. But honestly, whenever I handle that boy, there’s a inner voice within myself wanting to make an improvement in his health. ATLEAST A LITTLE.

A realization that being a teacher, I have to get used with the headaches, back pain and leg pain everyday. Yes, it was really painful but I will endure this slowly.

My experience and all the realization will be a lifetime lesson for me regardless the age of the students I’m going to teach in the future because I believe that when it comes to passing the knowledge to someone, it means EVERYTHING.

Written during my internship period.

Changes

Sometimes you can feel the changes happen in your life.
You feel it and you can’t do anything.
Those changes are real
Those changes are inevitable

Those changes causes you pain
Those changes causes you to rethink about life
Those changes makes you to feel regret
Those changes wants you to have a second chance in life so badly so that you can feel those moments twice
Those changes will not bring back to the same moments you’ve felt before.

A great idol will be a great influencer too.

They have the ability to influence you because you have the ability to discover their depth at the first place. You got yourself into the depth and be one of them. It’s done knowingly and unknowingly too.
When you admire someone, you’ll literally notice everything which they have been doing either for themselves or for others. And soon you will find yourself doing the same thing which they’ve been doing without you realizing it at first. You will find yourself receiving the same blessings and sometimes it could be a simple satisfaction too, just as they were receiving all this while. At that point, you will definitely realise THE POWER OF ADMIRING GOOD DEEDS FROM SOMEONE.
Sometimes, you will feel that what you’ve influenced from them is actually a kind of motivation for you. A motivation which leads you to keep going in life to achieve your goals. Cherish it and keep up the valuable traits which they’ve influenced you. And if you’re lucky enough, keep those incredible people right beside you because trust me, it’s something GOLD, not everyone deserve it.