A letter to a heartbroken mother

**this letter was once written and intended to a mother whom was hurt deeply due to some reasons.

Maa, I can’t see you being broken like this because of your own family. Honestly maa, I’ve learnt many deep and valuable lesson about the way to keep up everything in its own best level.

Today you told me that it could be very depressing when a daughter can’t talk well to her own mother no matter how old the daughter is. And then you told me that “I have my husband and my children with me all the time to support me”.

At certain point, people are changing maa. They only see from their point of view. And above all everyone are being selfish sometimes. Some of them will never take the courage to stand on other people’s shoes and understand them. That neglected feelings will always make us feel bad maa.

I saw the aches you are going through when your own mother cannot understand you and didn’t stand by your side whenever necessary.

But don’t worry maa. I promise I will never let you down maa. You’ve no idea what I am learning indirectly from you. It’s really alot and I know there are many more other things to be taken care. I’m learning everything from you each day.

I’m sorry to hurt you by scolding you sometimes but honestly I did that because I love you. I scolded you because of the workload you’re doing and I can’t see you being tired.
And you know something maa, I just love the way you’re being as if you’re not tired and depressed at all before you are going to bed. You just did that without a single complain to any one of us but I know how it felt. And I definitely going to follow your footstep.

NIZHALINAI NIJAMUM

This song is one of the most touching song dedicated to the strongest person on earth, MOTHER. I would say that among all the other songs (yes, I’ve a list of songs related and dedicated to mother in my playlist), this will be the one very close to my heart. Every lines from this song resides deeply within my heart and to be honest, when I first came across this song a few months ago, I cried. I cried my heart out hardly that night. Perhaps it’s because of I listened to it at the right time of these very phase of my life.

The name of this movie is Ram. I only knew the other song titled Aarariraro but never came across this particular song. I haven’t watch this movie yet but those songs are truly touching.

And I realised that all I need during my hard times was my Amma right beside me. It doesn’t mean that I ignored or avoided her all this while. NO AND NEVER. And neither my Appa. It was just that I needed her the most these days.

You must be heard that a girl will be always closer to her father more than her mother right. But in my life, it will be my Amma. I seek her for all my good and bad times. Sometimes I don’t story to her everything, but I simply seek her. Just to be with her. To be with her presence. Eventhough I don’t say out much to her whenever I have problems, I feel that when I looked at her or when I spend some time with her, I feel calm and I feel strong just with her vibes.

And that is why I need her the most these days.

One day I just wanna be like her.

One of the lines which goes,

Oththa sontham neeyirundhal pothum amma,
Moththa boomi enakkae thaan sontham amma.

Which means,

All I need is just one relationship, that is with you,
This whole world is mine!

Yes maa, this whole world will be mine in the presence of yours.

I’ve made mistakes. I’ve reacted the way I shouldn’t towards the closest ones.

But, she somehow taught me with different situations. It’s all what I’ve learnt indirectly from both my parents which will be a lifelong lessons for me. And I’m grateful for that.

Again,
There’s these lyrics of this song which goes

Thisai ellaam enakku irulaagi kidaikku,
Enggaiyo payanam thodaruthammaa?

Ennoda manasum pazhuthaaki poochu,
Sari seiya vazhiyum theriyala ammaa!

Suriyan odanjja pagal illa ammaa,
Aagayam marainjja agilamae summaa

Enna chuththi ennanamo nadakkuthe ammaa,
Kandatha ellaam kanavaagi poyidumaa?

Which means,

All the directions seem dark,
Where is my journey going on now?

My heart has broken into pieces,
I don’t know how to mend it!

If the sun breaks down, there’s no day,
If the skies disappear, the whole universe is a fallacy.

There are unexplainable things happening around me,
Will everything that was, go away as a dream, Amma?

I literally wanted to ask the same questions which have been in the lyrics to my Amma.
Because I felt it that way. I was exactly in the midst of confusion, pain and struggles both in and out of my own and of my family.

I’m still learning to handle things in life in the best way.
I listened to this song almost everyday till date and sometimes I kept on playing it continuously when anything hits me hard.

But at that moment, I wasn’t sure whether this song is trying to heal my heart or I need those lyrics to be heard?!

Every verse of this song ends up with questions. Perhaps life is a question right? Throughout this journey of life, we have a lot of questions which are yet to answer.

But life has taught us to keep going on its flow with faith, hope and believe. God knows what’s best for us. We do our part with the best we can while God will take care the rest.

A LETTER TO THE HEAVEN

To Patti and Tata.. I love you

I lost a very important person in my life. Someone from the little circle of mine.
Patti, I lost you at the age of 21. The age when I’m getting to know what is life all about, the maturity phase, the good and bad more detaily and many more other things.

You know something Patti, to be honest, I feel happy and proud that I’d take a good care of you whenever you were with me. There was a time in my younger days when I loved you more than I love amma. There was a time you were everything to me. I don’t know why but you were there for me. There was a time I make tantrum and fight with everyone at home so that I can stay at your house and to be with you.

Time goes by, we all grew older. Tata left us. You got extremely broken. You couldn’t move on from the demise and I saw you suffering without him by your side. Just after a year passed, attai left us. You couldn’t move on from the aches, heartbreak, burden and loneliness. And you’re getting sick day by day. You’re forgetting many things day by day. You’re getting more emotional for each and everything.

I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything to change it. Sometimes I think back those good memories I had with you when I was young. I even think to bring that healthy and strong patti back because you was much more happier that time. Whenever you were with me, I remember that I’ll lie on your lap and always talk to you. I’ll always ask you to be happy because Tata surely wanna see you happy from up there. You’ll only nod your head and end up being emotional after thinking so much. And you made me cry during that time. All I did was to have you in my prayers each day. I prayed that you have to be strong and have a good health to go through all this. And we are all with you. I am with you. You don’t have to worry anything.

But now, you’re happy right up there. You’re with tata now as you wished. You actually don’t have to worry about anything now. You don’t need to do any household chores. Remember you always used to tell us that being born as a girl you can never escape from doing all this work. But now you escaped. Haha.
You don’t have to eat that countless tablets which you forced yourself to eat three times a day. You dont have to worry about house safety. You don’t have to look around for the room and cupboard keys everywhere when you misplaced it somewhere. Okay?

But,

Dear patti,

There’s other things also you have to know.
Your garden is going to miss you.(okay let me list down so that I won’t forget) Those colorful flowers, sugarcane, papaya, mango, avaraka, eggplant, chilli, nellika and especially betel leaf. They all going to miss you. There is no better person to take care of them other than you.
That house will never be the same without both of you. Each and every corner of the house has got the touch from both of you. Now, there’s only memories occupied in the entire house.

And,

I AM GOING TO MISS YOU.
I’ll miss you whenever I’m stress and feel like talking to you through phone.
I’ll miss you if I go to behind temple thiruvilla especially when pouring milk in the theekulli. Because you were by my side all the time. You prayed to pour milk every year in the theekulli right after my birth for some health reason. (Yes patti, Amma told me the story) I was blessed to have a Patti like you.
I missed that smile of mine when I was busy seeing customer at shop and then suddenly you and tata came in to shop with bags early in the morning and tell me that both of you are going to stay here for couple days.
I’ll miss massaging your painful leg.
I’ll miss to hear your voice on my birthday.
I’ll miss you both during Deepavali as I grew up celebrating with both of you on the eve and on first day.
I know it will be hard for me but I have to go through this right, Patti and Tatta.

But honestly, we are proud and blessed to have arranged a meaningful family gathering back in 2014 and that’s the best thing we did for both of you. No one could describe the satisfaction and blessings we’ve got on that day.

Dear Patti and Tata, we will always remember those advises given to us. Don’t worry anything about us. We will go through all this. And everything will be okay soon. I’ll be a good girl and will make both of you proud one day. Keep on watching from up there and bless us. Rest in peace patti and tata.

Love,
Your favourite grandchild.
24 Apr 2018

I wrote this on 24 April 2018, 3 days after you left me. A very close friend of mine consoled me during those days and I remember I told him that I’ll miss you the most on somedays and today is one of that someday.

I decided to publish this writing which has been saved in my note pad as I missed you today a little more than everyday especially during this festive season.